Reclaiming The Divine Feminine
On the night of a January full moon, at 10:10pm in a London hospital that has seen the birth of many a royal, I took my first breath. I was even born with a regal name, King. Yet my exit from hospital was a far more humble affair than a "true" royal!
Home for the next few years was, in my childlike eyes, a magical garden. Unusually large in comparison to just about every other garden in the area, there stood two wise old oaks as if standing guard over, what to me felt like, a kingdom. With scattered fruit tress, secret little corners of overgrown grass and shrubs, there was also a big hill going down from the house into the garden and leading on to a forest at the bottom.
In reality the "big hill" was a slight grassy bank leading onto the lawn and the "forest" a tiny wooded area. But my imagination back then was as big as the kingdom I lived in. Everything was magical. Ah, the imagination. Like Dorothy's shoes in The Wizard of Oz, we never know that it is a power we carry with us all along.
I would go on to share this world with three other siblings. We would have many wild adventures. However, my imagination would take me to places where they were not so willing to go.
With the exception for one extraordinary moment...
Deep in "the forest" there stood a small wooden shed. This shed was very old. The paint had long peeled off with only hints of colour left. The door ever so slightly open suggesting it was unlocked. This creepy little shed prevented me and my siblings from ever venturing too far into the forest. A presence lingered around it and we were happy to let this presence keep that part of the kingdom to themselves.
Until one day...
My sister and I decided we wanted to find out what, or rather who, lived in this shed. My brother being too young to know better just tagged along, presumably to laugh at his sisters or scare them, as brothers do. We formulated a plan of action. We would all enter the forest and get as close as we dared to the shed. Then my sister, who was very much a tom boy and far braver than me, would prise open the door.
Nothing could prepare us for what was about to unfold.
Standing back, eyes wide and heart pounding, I watch on as my sister approached the shed. As brave as she was, I could tell she was apprehensive. She leaned in, stick in hand and in one swift movement, prised open the door.
Unexpectedly, a small orb of light flew out of the door, hovered ever so slightly, before shooting up through the trees and into the sky.
To say our reaction was delayed is an understatement. We all just stood there in utter silence. Until shock wore off and we all screamed in unison, legging it all the way back into the house. This moment would always stay with me, anchoring me to the magic over the next few years.
Time in our magical world would eventually come to an end. Although the story is far from over. Shortly before we left, our parents converted the loft on our home. It was from this new vantage point, much like a castle, we could see what lay beyond our world. A city loomed in the distance. It looked dark and grey compared to our green land. Yet, as I looked out towards the city, something within me began yearning for adventure!
The day we moved ushered in the end of magic, my authenticity, childlike wonder, and suppression of the Divine feminine.
I was no longer free to be me. I took on the good girl persona, filtering my life through everyone around me for approval. This did not stop the physical abuse. I dared to raise my voice once and it resulted in a bloodied nose. I tried running away but came home because I was too scared to face the unknown.
Eventually I married into, let's call it a toxic situation. My in-laws were ministers of an independent evangelical church. I settled in the area my husband grew up in and where his families church was. It's a notorious area with high crime. Just a small amount of hell I endured was as follows; my life was threatened multiple times, our petrol pipes were cut and there was an attempted murder next door. I had to raise my children here and was told that by living there I was doing God's work.
It was incredibly patriarchal and I remember vividly surrendering my feminine qualities and thus giving up my dreams. Being a Divine feminine in this world was frowned upon. Even the prefix to feminine, Divine, would be viewed as heresy.
Over 20 years passed in what felt like a prison. I kept believing that one day my husband, who was a prince in my naive eyes, would stand up and fight for us. But life never changed. Until something in me said enough!
For the sake of length, I will condense what happened next...
I walked from the church.
It made everyone very upset with me. I was left feeling like a traitor in their kingdom. Like I had done something wrong. This was only the start of my fight for freedom. I began to reclaim my power. I discovered magic does exist, the anchor bringing me home to myself. This only made my husband angry. It went against his world view. As each year went by, the tension increased.
And then it happened.
It was during the pandemic. I told my story to the thousands who were subscribed to my YouTube channel, of finding my true self. Of reclaiming the little girl in the garden kingdom all those years ago. Of what she believed and how she wanted to live. I was terrified! It was only a matter of time before my husband would watch.
That day eventually came.
He came home angry and said we would talk later, after my run. I felt sick. My need to live true to myself was too much for him and I was forced to leave the family home. Over the next few months I grieved hard! Eventually, it did become easier and I was able to start focusing on my dream.
So now a new quest begins! But right now, I am healing. In this place of taking a leap of faith and falling I am getting ready to land in a new world.
To be continued!